Jack and Jill
sittin’ in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes a baby in a baby carriage
Babies are hard
Shed some tears
We haven't been on a date in years
Distance grows
I hate how you chew
Well I hate all that stuff you do!
Money gets tight
Love grows cold
We're supposed to do this until we get old?
Kids grow up.
Where's all the bliss?
I thought marriage would be better than this.
—
Welcome to week 1 of “First Comes Love,” a three-week series about marriage - one of the most important relationships in many of our lives, and yet one that is absolutely fraught with challenges.
You’ve probably heard the statistics that half of all first marriages in America end in divorce.
And in fact, the only reason the divorce rate is going down slightly right now is because so many young people are choosing to just cohabitate and avoid the hardship of marriage altogether.
And can you blame them? About 30% of those young adults witnessed their own parents going through a divorce, and it’s not like it’s gotten easier.
What’s discouraging is that those exact same marriage trends in our wider culture are almost identical within the Church. It looks no different in here than it does out there.
And I think this is a problem. Not because I’m on some kind of holier-than-thou soapbox.
“We need to go back to the days when marriages lasted. When you just stuffed down your brokenness and slept in separate beds and suffered in miserable silence for decades. You know, the good ol’ days.”
No. This isn’t wistful nostalgia. Every generation has had its own issues with marriage.
No. The state of marriage in the Church is a problem: because we are missing an opportunity - an opportunity to demonstrate to our friends and neighbors that there is another way to live. The way of Jesus.
In a culture filled with brokenness, we have an opportunity as Christ-followers to demonstrate different values, different lifestyles, and yes, even different marriages than those of the world around us.
This matters, because The way we approach marriage as a church family can play a significant role in the effectiveness of our mission.
We have a message of hope and life for our world. I want that messages to include the way our marriages thrive.
---
Now, I recognize that this topic can be a painful one, and as your pastor, that matters to me.
I know a marriage series can be hurtful for those who have never been married. I was single till I was 34. I listened to a lot of sermons on marriage. I get that it can feel at best irrelevant, or at worst like salt in the wound if being married is something you deeply desire.
I also know this topic is challenging for those of you who are married, but wish you weren’t anymore.
And I know this topic is rough for those who are going through or who have already gone through a divorce. It could easily feel like you’re being attacked or blamed here even if that’s never my intention.
So with all that in mind, hear me when I say this. I have no desire to poke anybody in the chest or rip open old wounds. I am not here to blame or shame anyone.
But I believe this topic is one we cannot afford to avoid - not if we want to be effective in our mission to represent the way of Jesus to a broken world.
So, since one of our core values as a church is “We go there,” we’re going to go there. And my prayer is that this series will be a source of hope and life to you, wherever you are on the journey.
In fact, let’s take a moment and pray about that right now.
[PRAY]
SERIES SETUP
For this series, we’re going to explore a passage which is not about marriage. At least not specifically. It’s actually about all Christlike relationships. However, as I’ve studied it, I’ve found some tremendous wisdom that I believe can help us all think differently about marriage.
The passage is Romans 12:9, Page _______. Just four verses which will guide us over the next three weeks.
While you’re turning there, just a couple caveats.
First, I am married. [image: Barry and Liv] I’ve been married to Olivia for 8 years. We’ve got a pretty healthy relationship, all things considered, but to be clear: I am hardly an expert on marriage. I still have so much to learn.
Plus, there is a veritable mountain of resources about marriage already out there. Books, blogs, podcasts, retreats, YouTube videos… And I don’t just want to add to the noise with “5 hot tips for marriage.”
However, what I can offer is a glimpse at how the Bible talks about marriage. And I can bring to light some fundamental postures each of us can take which will help all of our relationships look more Christlike, but especially our relationship with our spouses.
Putting these big ideas into practice can help us heal what is broken, fan love into flame again, and show our hurting world that there is another way to live.
GENUINE LOVE
So let’s dive in and read.
Romans 12:9-12
Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.
Again, this passage isn’t about marriage, specifically. Here, the Apostle Paul is trying to get Christians in Rome, especially Jews and Gentiles who were terribly divided, to love one another in the way of Jesus.
But it’s not hard to see how the same ideas can apply to a marriage. “Genuine affection,” “patience,” “prayer…” so that’s why we’re looking at it.
Today we’re just going to explore verse 9 and talk about love. “First comes love,” right?
Romans 12:9
Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.
In the Greek those first two sentences are really just one:
“Let love be genuine.”
There you have it. That is some pretty good advice for married couples. Don’t just pretend. Really love one another.
There’s your hot tip right there. Mind blowing, right? Obviously this doesn’t seem particularly deep.
But let’s dig in a bit more to Paul’s use of the word “love” here. Because there’s more to it than meets the eye.
In the New Testament there are several different kinds of love and affection which describes relationships between two people, including in marriage. But we usually just use one word: “love.”
φιλαδελφία - philadelphia: brotherly love, friendship
And yes, this is where we get the name of the city. The next word we often find is:
στοργή - storge: affection, benevolent interest
These are the warm fuzzies that you feel towards others. “I like you!” Another Greek word for love is:
ἔρως - eros: physical/sexual love
Now, technically the word eros doesn’t show up in the New Testament, but the idea does in its purely negative form:
πορνεία - porneia: lust, sexual immorality
All that to say, the Bible has a lot of different ways to talk about what falls under the umbrella in English of “love.”
And I would argue that all three of those types of love are ingredients to a healthy marriage: Deep friendship, warm affection, physical attraction.
Those are huge! And in fact, both philadelphia and storge show up in the very next verse. It’s all part of a continuum of genuine love.
However, the word Paul uses in verse 9 is none of those things. What he says must be genuine is:
ἀγάπη - agape: Christlike, self-giving love
This is a love that is sacrificial. Others-focused. This is the kind of love that led Jesus to sacrifice his own life for our sake. And it’s the type of love most commonly used to describe the relationships Christ-followers are meant have towards one another. Agape.
For example, in the famous passage in 1 Corinthians where Paul waxes eloquent about love, this is the word he uses:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NRSV)
Love (agape) is patient; Love (agape) is kind; Love (agape) is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
So you see, when Paul says, “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them.” Or “Let love be genuine.” He doesn’t just mean, “be super nice to everyone” or “feel warm fuzzies around other believers.”
No. He means, let your Christlike, sacrificial, others-focused, self-giving love - your agape - be real.
For the divided church in 1st century Rome, this was a high call. “Jews and Gentiles: love each other the way that Jesus loved you. Set yourself aside for them.”
How do they do that? The rest of verse 9. By hating what is wrong - literally “shrinking from it with abhorrence.” And by holding tightly to what is good. Literally clinging to - being glued or welded to - what is good.
This kind of love - agape - is not passive. It’s not even something you feel. It’s active. It’s something you do. It takes willpower and energy and intentionality to “hate what is wrong.” To “hold tightly to what is good.”
Paul is asking his readers to do the hard work of setting themselves aside for the sake of others. “Let your love - your agape - be genuine.”
COVENANT FAITHFULNESS
Ok. So how do we apply this concept of agape love to marriage?
If it’s not warm fuzzies… If it’s not physical attraction… If it’s not being best friends… Then what does genuine love look like for couples?
Well here I think it’s helpful to turn to a biblical concept that first shows up in the Old Testament. Because all throughout it we see the authors wrestling with an ideal type of marriage relationship which looks like agape in action.
It’s what we call at Grace Covenant Faithfulness.
Now I know the word “covenant” sounds churchy and theological, but it’s really quite simple. It’s just an agreement between two parties. There are two types of covenants in the Old Testament.
The first kind of covenant is essentially just a contract. Like a peace treaty or some kind of business deal.
The other kind of covenant, though, is far more intense. It’s more like a permanent commitment between two parties that can’t be undone. In essence it’s like an eternal bond.
And this is the type of covenant that God routinely makes with humanity - an eternal one. Which is crazy, because humans are not very good at keeping our word. Throughout the Bible we are constantly breaking our covenants with God.
But he never breaks his covenant with us. God remains faithful despite humanity’s constant rebellion. Despite all of Israel’s failures. Despite our sin. God stays true to the commitments he has made.
Even to the point of becoming one of us and dying on that cross and rising again so that we can come back home. He was fulfilling an eternal covenant for us because we couldn’t do it ourselves. That is agape love.
My point is this. Marriage is also depicted as a covenant in the Bible. For example:
Malachi 2:14 (NRSV)
The LORD was a witness between you and the wife of your youth… she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
So marriage is a covenant. But here’s where we so often get it wrong. We think of marriage covenants along the lines of that first definition - as an agreement or treaty or business deal which can be undone if necessary.
But the Bible treats the marriage covenant like that second definition. A permanent commitment. An eternal bond. It’s as if both members of a marriage are invited to treat that relationship the way God treats his relationship with us.
Think about that for a second! Think about the lengths he went to in his love for us. Is that how we usually think about marriage? Because that’s what we’re being called to practice.
AN IMPOSSIBLE IDEAL?
But of course, this is not an easy task. Because as my opening poem illustrated, marriage is hard. In fact, most marriages we see playing out even in the Bible are super dysfunctional and broken. (More on that next week)
So is covenant faithfulness in marriage just an impossible ideal? Just wishful thinking?
Well, I believe the answer is no. It’s not impossible. In fact, I think it’s very doable if we’re practicing agape love in our marriages.
Remember, agape is not warm fuzzy affection. It’s not about being best friends. It’s not even physical attraction. It is an others-focused, sacrificial, self-giving kind of love.
If both partners in a marriage have genuine agape at the core of their relationship, if they are hating what is wrong and clinging to what is good, if they sacrificing for one another, seeking ways to serve one another, looking out for their spouse’s interests, and not just their own…
If agape is at the core of a marriage, covenant faithfulness is possible.
And that marriage has a chance, not just to beat the statistics, but to help heal this broken world.
Remember I said that we have an opportunity to show our friends and neighbors that there is another way to live? This is what I’m talking about.
Imagine just for a moment if every married couple at Grace Church had covenant faithfulness as their mentality. Imagine if agape love was overflowing from every family. Imagine if our children were growing up seeing genuine, Christlike, self-giving love in action among every couple here.
If that’s what marriages looked like at Grace, our message of hope and love and salvation would be undeniable. “Who are these people?!?”
It may seem like it, but this is not an impossible ideal.
And here’s why: Thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus, we now have the Spirit of God within us to help us make this happen. You don’t have to do this on your own. We have the Spirit of a God who never broke his covenant right here to help us stay faithful to our own.
Our savior paved the way so we can show our world agape. Even, and maybe especially, within our marriages.
GETTING PRACTICAL
Now, I recognize that so far we’ve been talking about big principles and ideals and loaded theological terms.
But don’t worry. Over the next few weeks we’re going to get really practical and apply these ideas to our marriages. In fact, let’s start right now.
First, let me speak to those of you who are single and want to be married: Start practicing agape love right now.
It is not just for marriages. Agape is the backbone of the Church, and we need you to help shape this community. Serve, practice humility, look out for the interests of others, and you will help us become the community of love and life that can heal this broken world.
But don’t just do it for us. Do it for yourself. If you get in the habit of demonstrating self-giving love in your relationships now, it will prepare you to let your “love be genuine” if and when you do get married someday.
A servant’s heart like Jesus doesn’t develop overnight. It grows through years of practice. You will have a huge head start toward a thriving marriage some day if you start practicing agape love right now.
Second, if you are married, Talk with your spouse about the state of your covenant faithfulness NOW.
I mean it. Talk about this. Get real. Get honest. At lunch today. This is not something to talk about “someday” when you’ve got the time. This is a priority now.
Obviously if your marriage is in crisis right now you know something drastic has to change. If that’s you, go to gracechurch.us/marriage. We have resources for you, care appointments, counselor referrals.
Your marriage can be saved. You can stay faithful to your covenant. Don’t wait.
But here’s the deal. When I say talk about this stuff now, I’m also saying it to those of you who feel like right now everything’s pretty much fine in your marriage. It’s especially you who need to talk about this.
Here’s why. Because over the last several years, the other pastors and I have received a lot of calls from couples in crisis. And to be clear, we are honored and privileged to be able to walk alongside you and help as much as we can.
But the truth is that far too often, by the time many of these couples come to us, the damage has already been done. The marriage has been ripping itself apart at the seams for years.
Sometimes it feels like the marriage was over before we ever got the call.
How often I wish we could go back in time 5 or 10 years and help these couples find the path of self-giving love that might have changed things for the better. Are you 5 or 10 years away from making that call?
Again, if things are fine for you right now - even if things are great - now is the time to talk about where there’s room in your marriage for agape to grow.
And we have an opportunity for you to do just that. [image: marriage retreat]
On August 22 and 23, we are hosting a marriage retreat right here at Grace. It’s a two-day workshop which will give you a chance to slow down, reconnect, and have some honest conversations about this stuff.
Our speakers will be former Grace pastor David Bell and his wife Betsie, and they do an awesome job.
No matter the state of your marriage, now is the time to have these conversations. How faithful are you to your covenant? How genuine is your love? Don’t wait.
Finally, a quick encouragement to everyone, including those who are single and don’t plan to ever marry. People of Grace: would you Pray for the marriages in this church.
Because again, a lot more is at stake here than we often realize. Our culture is facing an epidemic of broken marriages, shattered dreams, and a loss of covenant faithfulness.
We have an opportunity to demonstrate that there is another way to live. The way of Jesus. And developing rich, sacrificial marriages where both spouses are dedicated to self-giving love, is a vital part of how we can do that as a church.
So pray for the marriages of Grace. Because the agape love in our marriages can help us give hope to a broken world.
[PRAY]