Have you had a difficult conversation in the last week?
Have you had an awkward or tense text exchange with someone in the last week?
Have you left a meeting or encounter where you felt belittled or overlooked or misunderstood in the last week?
Have you had an unhealthy argument with a family member or a close friend in the last week?
Have you walked away from a conversation wishing it had gone differently in the last week?
Have you seen someone you care about post something on social media that you vehemently disagree with in the last week?
Have you posted anything or reposted something on social media that is hateful or divisive?
Have you regretted something you’ve said in the last week?
Have you regretted the way you’ve said something in the last week?
Have you lashed out in anger in the last week?
Have you talked behind someone’s back in the last week?
Have you avoided someone, so you don’t have to have a difficult conversation with them in the last week?
If you answered yes to any of these or all of these questions, then I think the series we are starting today is going to be a good one for you.
We are beginning a 4 week series today called Speak Life – exploring the power of our words – and I feel like this is a really important series for all of us and incredibly timely – we live in a world where having real authentic healthy and sometimes difficult conversations just doesn’t happen anymore – it is a dying art form – and as we will explore today if done correctly it truly is an art form. People don’t want to talk to each other anymore – especially when the stakes are high – many people take the easy way out – by either talking about someone instead of to them – or hiding behind a screen or just simply avoiding the person and the conversation altogether – real in person conversations just don’t happen very often – and I’m talking about for boomers and Gen X and Millennials – don’t get me going on Gen Z – I love you kids – you are my kids – but many of you don’t know how to have A conversation – let alone a crucial one – screens have taken over and we need to look up
Research shows that Gen Z averages around 9 hours a day looking at their screen and at least 4 hours of that is on social media - let me just say not a lot of crucial convos are happening on our devices or social media
Most of us want to avoid the hard conversations and when we find there is no avoiding them then we handle them poorly – getting defensive, lashing out, leveling up to screaming match, patronizing, condescending – we either have no conversation or the wrong conversation
So yes, a series like this is important – not just because we need to engage in real conversation but because we need to do it in a way that is healthy and constructive and loving and intentional
Because if you claim to follow Jesus and tell the world that you have surrendered to Him, and you are going to pattern your life after Him
What you communicate and how you communicate it is crucial to the way the people around you view Jesus.
Your words and how you use them are a window to your heart.
And this is not new for us – or does not apply just to us – how we use words – the tendency to gossip and be malicious or slanderous or hateful with our speech has been around for a very long time.
And the scriptures have quite a bit to say about how, when why we communicate – it is extremely important – and we’re going to spend our time these next few weeks in the books of James and Proverbs to see what the scriptures have to say about our words and how we use them
I would say these two books of the bible – one from the NT and one from the OT are very practical books – giving you very practical nuggets to utilize or implement in your own life
Proverbs is one of the books that is considered wisdom literature – along with Ecclesiastes and Job. King Solomon wrote 1000s of proverbs and poetry – and while not every proverb in this book was written by Solomon his influence is thru out. A proverb is.
A short clever saying that offers some kind of wisdom.
And the middle of the book of Proverbs is full of these sayings.
This book is designed to help you develop a set of practical skills for living well in God’s world.
The book of James which is also considered a letter and is written by Jesus’ half-brother – he was a leader in the church in Jerusalem – it was the first Christian church – he was wise and courageous – the goal in this book is to challenge how you live – and James has immersed himself in and been heavily influenced by the teachings of Jesus (particularly the sermon on the mount) and by the book of Proverbs – and this book as the bible project describes it - is
“A beautifully crafted punch in the gut for those that want to follow Jesus…”
If we take the words from proverbs and James to heart these 2 books are going to help guide us to a better place in how we interact with the world around us
Along with a companion piece – the book
Crucial Conversations – Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
Actually I’m hosting a book club on August 30
(Book Club – August 30 - slide)
Let’s first look at the scriptures to see what they have to say about why our words and the use of them are important and then let’s get practical about how we use those words.
Take a look at James 1 verse 26
26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.
In the previous verses, James emphasized that those who trust God actually do what His Word says they should do. In verse 26, James gets specific about what it means to obey this freedom-giving law. Controlling your tongue here – watching what you say and how you say it and when you say it - is using the fruit of self-control - the same self-control you would use to control your anger that he talks about in verses 19-20 – if you say you love Jesus and then turn around and destroy someone with your words – then the question would be – do you really love Jesus – everything even for James comes back to the 2 greatest commandments – love God and love our neighbor – he wants to moves us toward wholeness – a life where your actions and words are integrated with the teachings of Jesus – that’s what he means by religious and religion here – lives fully integrated with the teachings of Jesus – being disciples of Jesus – and the way you use your mouth is a picture of that life
James continues these thoughts in James 3:2-6
2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
3 We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. 4 And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. 5 In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.
But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. 6 And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.[a]
A small bit in the mouth controls a strong horse.
A small rudder turns a large ship.
If we have control over our tongue, it is an indication that we have control over ourselves/our lives. Whoever can control the tongue can bridle the whole body (James 3:2).
The bit and the rudder are small but extremely important. If they are not controlled the entire horse is out of control and the entire ship is out of control. It is possible for something as small as the tongue is to have tremendous power for either good or evil.
iii. If the tongue is like a bit in the mouth of a horse or the rudder on a ship, it leaves us with the question:
Who or what holds the reins, or who or what directs the rudder?
Some people have no hand on the reins or rudder, and therefore say whatever comes into mind. James points us towards having the Spirit of God, working in and through us, so that we can control the reins and the rudder of our tongue – of our words.
Let’s continue – look at verse 5
But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.
“In the two former illustrations, animals and ships are controlled by small objects; in this last illustration, a huge forest is destroyed by a tiny spark. The tongue/your words likewise can either be in control or unruly. They can either restore or destroy. They can either bring life or bring death to the people around you.
Can you think of a time when someone’s words destroyed you?
What about a time when someone’s words gave you life?
Are you going to control the rudder of your ship and continue sailing or are you going to let the ship slam into the world around you?
These words in James echo words that you could read in Proverbs – remember he was heavily influenced by the proverbs – and Proverbs has a lot of wisdom nuggets about this topic – Proverbs 10:19-21
Proverbs 10:19-21
19 Too much talk leads to sin.
Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.
20 The words of the godly are like sterling silver;
the heart of a fool is worthless.
21 The words of the godly encourage many,
but fools are destroyed by their lack of common sense.
Or 18:21
Proverbs 18:21
21 The tongue can bring death or life;
those who love to talk will reap the consequences.
Your words – what you say – how you say it – there are consequences – you can help or hurt.
Don’t you want your words to encourage rather than punish?
Don’t you want your words to be fruitful rather than worthless?
Don’t you want your words to bring wholeness and healing rather than bring ruin and wreckage?
Your words matter – and there are times where no words are the best option.
Or Proverbs 21:23
Proverbs 21:23
23 Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut,
and you will stay out of trouble.
Or Proverbs 10:19
Proverbs 10:19
19 Too much talk leads to sin.
Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.
Silence can be a gift.
Sometimes you need to know when NOT to speak.
What we are talking about in this series is really important. And I think it is something we overlook a lot. It’s something I overlook a lot.
What you communicate and how you communicate it is crucial to the way the people around you view Jesus.
I almost think that communication should be added as a spiritual practice – a discipline – because we should be more disciplined in our approach – it should feel like work to communicate well and in a Godly way – we should choose wisely – our communication should be thoughtful and intentional.
All of our words matter – the way we say everything – the way we communicate both verbally and non-verbally matter – the world is watching us
But when we engage in those crucial conversations that is the true test of our communication integrity
And crucial conversations are happening all the time – I feel like I have a crucial conversation at least once a day – remember the questions I asked at the beginning of this message
What is a crucial conversation – much of this from the book
A conversation between 2 or more people in which they hold opposing opinions about a high-stakes issue and where emotions run strong.
Opinions vary
Stakes are high
Emotions run strong
Here are a couple of examples – Jeff is going to join me onstage
Scene 1
Amy: Hey – when did you get home?
Jeff: about 15 minutes ago – I was finishing up a call in my car
Amy: I see
Jeff: Everything ok?
Amy: Not really. This isn’t working for me anymore
Jeff: I think we need to talk
Amy: and scene – you’re in the middle of a crucial conversation
Scene 2
Jeff: Amy – I’m glad I caught you
Amy: what’s up
Jeff: Just need to talk about the appointment you had with the Taylors the other day
Amy: Oh ok – I’m on my way to another meeting
Jeff: There were just some issues that came up and we need to talk thru them – can we get something on the calendar?
Amy: And scene – you are setting up a crucial conversation
Scene 3
Jeff: I’m so sick and tired of these political ads
Amy: me too – so exhausting
Jeff: can’t wait for the whole election thing to be over
Amy: me too
Jeff: By the way – who are you voting for
Amy: Scene – here comes a crucial conversation
Scene 4
Amy: Dad – I need to share something with you
Jeff: What is it sweetie?
Amy: I’m going to be a theatre major
Amy: And scene – crucial conversation
Thanks Jeff.
So just a few examples – but what do they all have in common
Opinions vary
Stakes are high
Emotions run strong
And these kinds of conversations are swirling around us all day everyday – we can’t avoid them – and how we handle them is important – how we handle them is a reflection of our character – and in turn a reflection of the character of God
Your words and how you use them are a window to your heart.
You can handle these conversations in a few ways
Avoid them
Face them and handle them poorly
Face them and handle them well
When you avoid them – then you start seeing the person thru that lens – you write your own story about them – and then you treat them differently – you act differently towards them
Why you handle them wrong/poorly
We’re designed this way – we are poised for fight/flight not listen/speak
When we are talking about things that are important to us – that we care deeply about – when someone disagrees with that it feels like a threat so we will fight or flee
That’s our natural instinct
Fighting is destructive
James 3:5
But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.
When you use fighting words – you set a destructive fire
And fleeing is cowardly and counterproductive
You don’t solve the problem of an unruly horse by keeping it in the barn, or the problem of a hard-to-steer ship by keeping it tied to the dock. In the same way, even a vow of silence is not the ultimate answer when it comes to a difficult or crucial conversation.
And when you flee – then you avoid them – and you start seeing the person thru that lens – you write your own story about them – and then you treat them differently – you act differently towards them
Fight or flight is not the approach God wants us to take
Jesus says to his followers in matthew 18:15-17
15 “If another believer[a] sins against you,[b] go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.
Do not give up – keep pursuing – keep striving for restoration – even when it feels exhausting or overwhelming or not what you want to do
Most of what God wants us to do or what He wants for us doesn’t feel natural or instinctual – it feels counter to who we are – of course – everything about him is counter cultural – opposed to what we as humans want - he wants us to stay and listen and speak in healthy, kind, loving ways.
My kids – their lives I feel very passionate about – and of course I believe I know best, and I should map it out for them and give them step by step instructions for how to live
And I see myself doing this in many of my convos with them – fight or flight.
We are all under pressure and stress much of the time – and most crucial convos don’t get put on our calendars – many of them come up in the moment and we have no book or coach or time to process what we need to do in that moment.
That’s why you prepare before that moment – you center yourself in scripture and prayer and the presence of the HS so that you can maneuver those surprise moments.
70% of the success of a crucial conversation happens in your head not thru your mouth.
What to do before you open your mouth
What is the goal? What do you want from this conversation? Restored relationship? Better circumstances? Shared experience?
Keep the goal always in mind – make sure the goal is pure and healthy and kind and moving forward and others centered.
Does not always mean that they are right – others centered can be corrective or constructive – but it is for the better of the other.
Change begins with our hearts. Our bias is the opposite. Our bodies are designed to gather data about others, not ourselves.
You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
Can you change so and so? Can you change yourself?
It’s not about me – actually in this instance it is – it’s all about you – it’s not your behavior – it’s your motive.
Pure motives – loving hearts – others centered – self-sacrificing love
The best way to work on us – is to start with me.
What’s my motive? Simple clear concise – ask that question often in tense moments.
And for us motive should always lead to restoration, redemption, relationship,
People are more important than any problem.
Is your motive shifting in the course of the convo?
Saving face, avoiding embarrassment, winning, being right, punishing others
You keep returning to that motive -
It can change without us knowing it.
What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want for the relationship?
What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?
State what you do want “and” state what you don’t want.
And if you fail the first time – go back again – just like Jesus instructs in Matthew 18
You are not responsible for their reaction or acceptance or rejection – you are responsible to pursue them – and if doesn’t work the first time – you stop for a time – but they are not a lost cause – in Matthew 18 – Jesus says treat them like a tax collector or a pagan – not as a demon – they are still redeemable
The best way to tame the tongue is to start with you and your heart – what is your motive – what do you want for yourself, for the other and for the relationship – how can your words restore, redeem, instruct, challenge, bring life to yourself and to your relationships and to the world we live in
Your words and how you use them are a window to your heart.
And a window into the heart of God
Our words and how we use them should sound like what it says in 1 Peter 3:11
1 Peter 3:11
11 Turn away from evil and do good.
Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
And this peace doesn’t happen because we argue or avoid – it happens when we prepare our hearts to engage in healthy communication by searching our own hearts – checking our motives – keeping ourselves centered – exhibiting self-control – listening and obeying the holy spirit and keeping our goals for ourselves, for the other and for the relationship always in the forefront of our minds – our tongue/our words should not be used as a weapon – it should be used as a balm
Is there someone in your life you’ve been avoiding – reach out – make move - engage.