For as long as I can remember, Autumn has been my favorite season. For me, fall means the beginning of the best 4 months out of the year. It kicks off with my little sister’s birthday, quite literally - her birthday often falls on the first official day of fall. Then 2 days later it’s my birthday, and then a week after that my other younger sister’s birthday, and the day after that - my anniversary.
That’s a lot of celebrating crammed into 2 weeks, and that’s only the first 2 weeks of fall! The rest of the season is packed with other kinds of celebrations. There’s football games and tailgating. Halloween parties, and Thanksgiving! I love everything about the fall! The cooler weather, crockpots full of chili, hot apple cider, nights around the fire pit. I love the beauty of all the vibrant fall colors, and leaves floating through the air like confetti! Fall in the midwest is one big party! It’s absolutely magical!
It’s my favorite season! And I usually can hardly contain my excitement the closer we get to September. But last year was markedly different. As August was winding down and Autumn was approaching, an unfamiliar feeling came over me. Instead of feeling excited for all of my favorite fall stuff, I began to feel a nagging sense of dread. And it was oddly foreign to me. Dread. At first I couldn’t recognize why. Why am I moody, and short tempered? Why am I emotional? Why am I tired all the time? Why do I just want to lay in bed? I felt zero excitement over my favorite season. Only gloom, and sadness. And then it dawned on me… I’ve never in my lifetime experienced my birthday month without my Mom. I’ve never known a September without her - and suddenly everything I used to love about the changing of the season felt empty and void, and hopeless. And in that moment of emptiness, a panic swept in. If this was how I felt at the beginning of fall, if this is what September felt like, what would that mean for the coming holiday season?
What was I going to do? How was I going to get through the next 4 months of celebrations and holiday parties? All the memories… And how was I going to not ruin the holidays for my kids and my husband? They still deserved to experience the joy of the season, even if I just wanted to withdraw from everyone and everything. I felt that for the sake of everyone around me, I had to get it together. Get my grief under control. Too many people were relying on me not to crack. My family. My job. I needed to be strong and muscle through.
And so I tried.
Last week as I was preparing this message and sat and tried to remember the latter part of last year. And it was a total blur. I remember obsessing over my first Thanksgiving dinner without Mom. I’d never cooked a whole turkey in my life! I never had to. But it was all on me now. So I obsessed over every element of that meal. I have this phrase I use whenever life gets overwhelming, my family and friends know it well. I say ‘cooking is coping.’ So I cooked! That was how I coped with the sadness. I ended up making enough food for 49 people, even though it would only be the 4 of us around the table. It was ridiculous.
And then Christmas came. Pandemic Christmas. That’s the part that’s really a blur! Do ya’ll remember Christmas last year? Here at Grace, our services were entirely online for all of last December, and I can’t even begin to adequately describe how much work that was. But I muscled through it all. That whole season felt like I had been holding my breath for 4 months, SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, DECEMBER… And when Christmas Eve night finally arrived and it was all over, I could finally exhale… and I fell apart. It was an ugly cry. I felt accomplished. I felt relieved. I pushed through the grief of all of the ‘firsts’ - first birthday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas season without Mom - and I did it all during a global pandemic... And it’s over. I can move on.
And so I tried.
Smash cut to 9 months later - to September of this year. I’m just living my life, getting ready to be excited for all of my favorite fall things, when out of nowhere that terrible and now familiar nagging feeling of dread crept in all over again. This time I could recognize it right away! And I thought “No! No! This can’t be happening again! I went through this last year! I made it through my ‘year of firsts.’ I pushed through! I’m on the other side… It’s over...” And it was at that moment that this image came to my mind.
Jason Mamoa Meme
Do you ever find yourself thinking in memes or images? For me, sometimes pictures describe my feelings better than words do - like, in the same way a cartoon in a magazine helps us to collectively process the profundities of life. The moment the air became crisp in September of this year, the dread reappeared. I could feel - I could sense - that grief was lying in wait. Right behind me. Ready to ambush me all over again, only this time, it was bigger and stronger. Like grief had been over in a corner somewhere just lifting weights all year, getting jacked! Just waiting for it’s turn. Waiting the wind to change. Waiting for fall to come around again.
The cool air of September brought with it every sad memory of my mother’s final days.
The last holidays we shared. Reminders of all that I had lost. And I was frustrated to the point of angry. Is this just how it is now? Is this just how it’s going to be forever? Will I ever experience the joy of my ‘favorite season’ ever again? What is it going to take to get through the holidays this year?
Matthew 5:4
God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed
These are scriptures we often hear associated with deep sadness, with grief. And while these passages might be immediately comforting for some, for others, like myself, they may require some wrestling. And can I tell you, it’s ok to wrestle with the scriptures sometimes. “What do you mean God blesses those who mourn? God, what do you mean?! I don’t feel very blessed right now!” Or “what do you mean the Lord ‘rescues those whose spirits are crushed?’ I am broken! I’m ground to dust. So where is He?” If that’s you - If you are broken hearted right now, if your spirit has been crushed, stay with me, right now I want to speak directly to you: Jesus, the consoler, the encourager, the comforter… Jesus sees us grieving. He sees you grieving. And He wants to grieve with you.
And He will comfort you, and give you courage. He can and He will carry you, He’ll carry US through the pain we are feeling, but we can’t shut Him out. We’ve got to prepare Him room. Even in our grief. Let the God of all comfort come near, keep watch over you, and yes, even grieve with you. Ever close, God! Abide with me! That’s been my prayer. Just abide with me.
This week we’re talking about surviving the holidays when you or someone you love is grieving. And admittedly, I am not an expert on the subject. And my own experience with grief doesn’t make me an expert on the subject. Everyone experiences grief differently. Few people will experience grief in the same ways that I have - probably VERY few people will grieve in terms of Jason Momoa memes.
The process of grieving is as unique to the individual, as it is universal. We all experience grief and loss at some point in our lives. It’s inevitable, it's unavoidable. It’s universal. And if grief is something that we’re all going to experience at one time or another, I think it would be appropriate for us to define what it is.
Webster’s dictionary defines grief as: deep sadness caused especially by someone's death
And notice that word ‘especially.’ We usually associate grief with the death of a loved one, but really, any loss can cause someone to feel grief.
Divorce.
Loss of a relationship, or a friendship.
Selling the family home, change of any kind, or moving far away.
Losing a job
Losing a pet
A miscarriage.
All these things can cause grief. Grief is an emotional response to loss. It’s natural. And it can manifest itself in many different ways:
Profound sadness… we all associate sadness with grief, but there’s also:
Shock.
Guilt.
Despair or hopelessness.
Anger or frustration.
A frustrating feeling of helplessness.
One of the things I was surprised to learn about grief, something I didn’t understand… until I did… is that grief is more than just an emotional response to loss. There are physical aspects of grieving, too - things our bodies experience as we grieve:
• Difficulty sleeping
• Lowered immunity
• Loss of appetite - this one shocked me. I was not ready for this. Nothing tasted good. In the earliest days of my grief, even the foods I loved tasted terrible! Grief affected my senses. I had no taste, I had no hunger, and therefore no desire to eat.
• And as a result of this, weight loss is often a side effect of grief. Or for some people it’s different, for some it’s weight gain.
• Fatigue
• Aches and pains
These are just a few of the physical side-effects of grief. But there’s another way that grief can have a profound effect on the body and mind, and that’s
• Mental fog
I want to show you something. You’re about to see a picture of what mental fog can look like, in real time. One morning in early January of 2020, just 18 days after my Mother had passed, ok a little over 2 weeks, I woke up, and went to make myself some coffee. I was scheduled to record an episode of the Between Sundays podcast that day, but Tyler had appropriately decided we should cancel our recording. And I remember being all inwardly defiant, like, ‘Who told you to cancel? I’m good to go! You don’t have to cancel because of me. I can totally do this. Let’s just do this.” And then, I don’t know how else to describe it - I sort of blacked out a little, I guess. I must have! For like a split second… But it was long enough. What you’re about to see is about as raw as it gets. I’ll admit, it's a little embarrassing. Kitchen a mess… Coffee bar a mess… Somebody’s dirty clothes on the floor. This was what grief looked like in my home… And I’m so glad I took this video and sent it to Barry and Tyler that morning because, now we all get to enjoy it, take a look:
Video of Me Lighting Coffee Mug
Mental fog. There it is, what can I say? Those were dark days. And I can laugh about it now, but it was kind of scary at the time. Like ‘What’s wrong with me?!’ scary. I’d never experienced a mental fog like that before. I couldn’t think straight. I was doing stupid things. It was like grief had scrambled my thoughts.
The experts say the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be. Pastor Larry McCarthy Jr. of the Moody Church in Chicago put it this way. He said:
Grief is the evidence of how significant the relationship is.
And it’s true. Listen, if you or someone you love has suffered a significant loss, then you should expect to experience grief - any of these grief symptoms - in one form or another. Give yourself some grace! And don’t worry. You don’t have to be afraid of what’s happening. Grief is not something to be feared. But it is something to be felt. If you are grieving this holiday season, don’t be afraid to feel. Go ahead and give yourself the license to feel - mad, sad, glad, angry. David Kessler, a well-known expert and lecturer on death and grieving once said
“The worst loss is always yours... The worst loss is always your loss.”
This is incredibly important to grasp! We need to stop comparing our grief to other people’s grief. Or our loss to other people’s losses. This isn’t a contest. This isn’t a comparison. The worst loss is the loss that YOU ARE FEELING. As we head into the holiday season I want you to hear me. Whatever your situation, whatever your grief - Your loss matters to God. Your sorrow matters to God. Your grief matters to God.
And let me say it a different way, because some of you may need to hear it like this: Your loss still matters to God. Your sorrow still matters to God. Your grief still matters to God. because YOU MATTER TO GOD. There is no time limit to grief. Experts say it can take 18-24 months before a person STARTS to heal when they’ve had a significant loss. Did you hear that? Not 18-24 months until they’re healed, 18-24 months before most people can even BEGIN to heal. So if you are grieving right now, if you’re going into the holidays this year with the burden of grief, be patient with yourself. Ok. You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re grieving. Jesus, the consoler, the encourager, the comforter… He sees you grieving. And He wants to grieve with you.
You’re not alone.
In fact, you’re never alone. Turn with me to Matthew chapter 26 starting with verse 36. That’s page _________ in the house Bible. And as always, as you’re turning there, or maybe looking it up on the Grace Church app, let me officially welcome those of you who are joining us online this morning. Or maybe it’s not this morning, maybe you’re watching this later on in the week, or even later in the year. Regardless, I just want to say thank you for joining us. And to each one of you who was able to make it here in person this morning, thank you for being here. I know this is a tough subject for many of us, but thank you. It is good to see YOU! It’s good to see your faces and hear your voices in worship! It’s good to be together.
Ok, Matthew 26. It’s a familiar passage of scripture. It’s this passage
Christ in the Garden image
It’s famous. Jesus knew his betrayal was just moments away. And that this would set into motion the events that would lead to his brutal crucifixion. This was Jesus’ moment of dread. This was His anguish. Read with me in verse 36:
Matthew 26
36 Then Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, “Sit here while I go over there to pray.” 37 He took Peter and Zebedee’s two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. 38 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
39 He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
40 Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 41 Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”
42 Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away[a] unless I drink it, your will be done.” 43 When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open.
44 So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. 45 Then he came to the disciples and said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look—the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46 Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”
Isn’t it remarkable that in His darkest hour, Jesus wanted his friends Peter, James and John to be close by? When His soul was crushed with grief - to the point of death - He said, ‘stay here… keep watch with me.’ He knew he had to cry out to His Father. And he could’ve gone and done that alone! But he didn’t. He wanted his friends to stay close by, to keep watch with Him.
There’s this word I kept coming across in my study, while trying to prepare this message about grief. We read it once already in Matthew 5 verse 4
Matthew 5:4
God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
The Greek word that gives us the word ‘comforted’ in this passage is: para - kah - leyo
Parakaleó - "to call alongside, to encourage, console, comfort".
It’s actually made up of 2 Greek words put together: the word Para which means ‘close beside.’ and Kaleo which means to call, or to make a call. And no, we’re not talking about making a ‘phone’ call. That’s usually what comes to mind when we hear the phrase ‘make a call.’ But no. In ancient times and in some cultures still today, to call on someone means to pay them a visit. So think of that second part of the word - the Kaleo part- as meaning to call near, or “close up and personal.”
That gives us a more accurate understanding of that word ‘comforted.’ God blesses those who mourn for they will be PARAKALEO. They will be called close beside.
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed
The story of Jesus in the garden, fully God and fully man, just wanting His friends to be close by, and stay alert and be with Him in his suffering. I believe that is a beautiful picture of what Jesus desires to be for us in our times of suffering. In our darkest hours. In our grief. He promises to be with us! He’ll visit us. He’ll call on us. Jesus, the Lord, IS close to the broken hearted. He blesses those who mourn. He encourages. And I’m not talking about a hallmark card kind of encouragement. Like a ‘there there, everything’s going to be ok’ kind of encouragement. I’m talking about the true meaning of the word ENCOURAGEMENT - TO FILL WITH COURAGE! So that while I’m down here walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I WILL NOT FEAR, BECAUSE HE IS WITH ME! Oh abide with me Jesus! God blesses those who mourn because they will be Parakaleo - they will be comforted, they will be filled with courage, as the God of the universe draws near to their side. To sit WITH them. To abide WITH those who mourn. To keep watch over them. And unlike His tired friends in the garden, Jesus, the comforter, will neither slumber nor will He sleep:
PSALM 121:3-5
The one who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.
The Lord himself watches over you!
Abide with me, Jesus! Abide with me. This year, I’m going to do things differently. I have a better plan than just trying to muscle through. I am going to prepare Him room, not only in my holiday joys, but also in my sorrow. I will prepare Him rooom. I will make room for Him to share my grief with me. Because he desires to share my sorrow with me. He’s that kind of friend! And He is ever present! This year, I won’t shut myself away in my bedroom and cry alone. I’ll retreat to my bedroom, where I will cry. I WILL grieve - I’m giving myself the license to feel… but I won’t cry alone. I’ll cry with Him, knowing that He is near to my broken heart. I’ll cry out to Him, the way he cried out to His father in the garden. And as for my friends… The Peter’s and James’, and John’s in my life - my close friends, I’ll know that they mean well, even if they can’t quite grasp what I’m going through. It’s ok. I’ll still invite them to pray with me and for me. But my hope is not in them. My hope is in the One who never slumbers or sleeps.
Looking back on last year, I realize that that is the part that I missed. In all my efforts to muscle through the grief, and to get through my year of firsts, and to avoid my pain by keeping busy and plowing through… I shut Him out. And I missed out on the blessing of true comfort. Makes me think of the old hymn,
What a friend we have in Jesus!
All our sins and griefs to bear,
What a privilege to carry EVERYTHING to God in prayer
Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
What are you grieving this year? Who are you grieving?
Who do you know around you that is grieving, that may need you to be Jesus to them? To call on them, to pay them a visit? To be near to them and bear witness to their loss and pain? To keep watch with them, and give them courage to go on?
Jesus, the consoler, the enCOURAGEer, the comforter… He sees you grieving. Don’t shut Him out! He wants to grieve with you in your darkest hours. He will comfort you, and give you courage, and carry you through the pain you feel. Prepare Him room in your joy and in your sorrow this holiday season. Take everything to Him in prayer. For the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He comforts those who mourn. The Lord Himself watches over you! He will abide with you. Let Him abide with you. Prepare Him room.
Let’s pray.