Message – Parenting Adult Children – Sept. 2026

I cleaned out all sorts of books a couple of weeks ago and I had all of these parenting books. Most of which I didn’t read. But I had books on raising boys and raising girls and what to do when they are toddlers and what to do when they’re adolescents and what to do when they’re teens. But nowhere in my pile was there a book on what to do when your kids become adults. So, I thought we just gotta get them to 18. Then our work is done. In 2016 when liza – our oldest - headed off to college I felt nervous but hopeful. I’m sure everything that she’d learned in our home for the last 18 years was gonna take shape and she was going to be a fully formed, mature, fully functioning, thriving, happy adult living her best life forever and always. And at first things went well. She seemed to be taking to school and independence. I remember saying to my husband Jeff and others – she is really adulting well. I thought good job me (and Jeff) we did our jobs. Cut to 2019 and things had changed. Liza had gone thru quite a bit in the preceding 3 years, and life was much harder for her. And I found myself trying to figure out how to parent in a new way and from a distance. And I knew my job was not done. And I knew my job as a mom would never be done. I think parenting your adult children may be the hardest stage of all. And no one – not one person – in all my years of raising my children – ever warned me that parenting didn’t end at 18. The problems and decisions and consequences just get bigger and more difficult. And trying to navigate it all is overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong – there is great joy that you will discover in your adult kids, but you also figure out that they still need you – just in different ways.

And here I am now – with these 4 adults.

Liza -28 – Will – 25 – Annie – 23 and Maggie – 19

And when this message is over – please don’t ask anyone in this pic what they thought of it. They might have some things to say. Actually, if you know these 4 humans at all you know they definitely have some things to say. If I taught them one thing it is that they have a voice in this world – and boy, do they know how to use it. Apple doesn’t fall far…

In all seriousness I was saying to say friends I have a bit of imposter syndrome doing this message – who I am to talk about this or give any advice or thoughts on this? I’m just slugging and praying my way thru this parenting thing like everyone else. Trying to figure it out.

Fun Fact: There is a great song in Seussical called “How To Raise A Child” that is all about figuring out parenting. Don’t forget to see the show – November 6-15!

As a matter of fact, there are so many in this room – in this church – that I have looked to and so respected and admired for the way they have parented their kids. I feel like I have the lessons to learn. This is a very personal message for me – I’m right in the thick of it. So, I have prayed and processed this week that the Holy Spirit would write this for me. And I’m going to continue in the vain right now. Would you pray with me?

What is it like parenting adult children in 2026? How do you face the challenges of parenting at this time? How do you help them navigate the challenges and problems and obstacles that they’re facing? My kids are entering a world as adults that is so different from what I was dealing with in the late “80s”.

Fun Fact: I graduated from high school in 1989 and married Jeff in 1993 and we bought our first house in 1996, and we had our first child in 1998.

When I was their age – life was planned – go to college – meet someone – get married – have kids – at least that was the expectation – and when you were unable to meet those expectations people acted like something was wrong with you – there was an ease to that – you knew what was supposed to come next – but there was no freedom in that – times have changed – some not so great – but some changes have made life better – college is not for every kid and that’s ok now – women have more and better opportunities and that is a good thing – my girls are stronger and more independent than I ever was – the world is starting to understand that everyone’s journey is different and unique

But they are also facing challenges that we didn’t seem to face – the phones with the algorithms and the social media – knowing everyone’s business all the time and needing validation at every turn – finding a job right now is near impossible and the idea of ever owning a house right now or anything for that matter feels like a pipe dream for these adult kids. They are more anxious – more depressed – more fearful than most of us ever were – at least I can say that for this gen Xer.

So how do you parent that? How do you help them move into some of the new freedoms that you never had but also help them navigate all the challenges?

The phrase that kept coming to me over and over is this:

Know your kids.

It feels like just yesterday I was here:

All under one roof – 6 us together – all the time – 4 kids – 3 schools – all the activities

The joy and one of the benefits of the first 18 years is that you have them with you. You have time with them. You have the opportunity to invest in them to model Jesus for them. As Barry said in the first week of this series

Dress yourself in love because your kids are paying attention.

You get to show them what being a disciple of Jesus looks like.

You also get to put them in spaces and places where others can model Jesus for them. Where others can invest in them and love them and value them.

Maron talked last week about needing a village as we raise our teenagers. And I’m certainly grateful for mine.

Yes, the first years of our children’s lives provides us with time to model for them – time to invest in them and allow others to invest in them. But it also gives us time and space to

Know them.

To watch them and listen to them. To understand what brings them joy – what hurts them deeply – what are their thoughts on the world and Jesus and church. Their strengths – weaknesses – likes – dislikes.

To know them is to love them.

I said earlier I cleaned out my bookshelf and found all these parenting books that I didn’t read. I know that sounds bad but so many of them were formulaic. A cookie cutter approach to parenting. And that doesn’t work when you have 4 masterpieces that were fearfully and wonderfully made.

Formulas don’t work on human beings.

My job - along with modeling Jesus for them and giving them others to look to - was to get to know these 4 unique, individual, beautiful humans.

And when you know them well you can better help them navigate adulthood. To know what they need and what they don’t need.

Fun fact: I love the enneagram. It explains so much about who people are and how they see the world and others. The parenting conference will have section on this.

As they move into adulthood – you need to

Know your kids.

And then

Meet them where they are.

Turn to 1 Thessalonians 5 – starting in verse 12.

The apostle Paul – along with Silas and Timothy – is writing to the community or church in Thessalonica – a church of mostly non jews – so there were 2 barriers for them – they had to believe the gospel – that a man died and came back from the dead – but they had to get over the fact that this was a Jewish message – because many of these non-Jewish people believed – Paul felt the holy spirit was at work in this community – this is part of his letter to them – in this section he is teaching them the ways of being a Christian – he does this in 3 ways – let’s read

12 Dear brothers and sisters, honor those who are your leaders in the Lord’s work. They work hard among you and give you spiritual guidance. 13 Show them great respect and wholehearted love because of their work. And live peacefully with each other.

14 Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.

15 See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.

16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

19 Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. 20 Do not scoff at prophecies, 21 but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. 22 Stay away from every kind of evil.

The first section looks at the leaders of the church – give them respect and honor and love – and there is work to be done by these leaders – he mentions work twice – I think this translates right to parents – as leaders – we have work to continue to do – and adult children you may not always like it but there needs to be a level of honor and respect for that work.

Verses 14-15 – Paul is urging them to influence each other – in NT Wright’s New Testament for everyone – his translation uses the word family instead of brothers and sisters:

Verse 14

And we beg you, my dear family…

Family – take care of each other – parents meet your kids where they are.

Warn

Encourage

Take tender care.

Be patient.

See that.

Try to

Parents you cater to the needs of each individual child. Who are they and what do they need from you right now? How can you best serve them?

And the third part of this section – is kind of a list of rules to live by

Always find joy.

Never stop praying.

Be thankful.

Do not stifle the Holy Spirit

Do not scoff at prophecies.

Hold on to good.

Stay away from evil.

You continue to show your adult children how to live like a disciple. You continue to model Jesus for them.

You bring your transformed and transforming selves to them.

Even your adult kids are watching. And they need to know that the work is never done and that you haven’t arrived and you still have much to learn.

And find the joy in all of it.

Know your kids and meet them where they are.

Recognize, acknowledge and honor the best parts of them.

Recognize, pray for and help them with the difficult/worst parts of them.

Honor their journey.

they are not you – allow that to be ok – support them in their individuality – walk with them on their path – and don’t compare.

This is Liza – she is super artistic – probably a 4 – sensitive – quirky – merciful – feels things very deeply.

This is Will – he is something – maybe a 7 or an 8 - outgoing – gregarious – quick witted – at ease with everyone – a leader.

This is Annie – disciplined – determined – focused – a little sarcastic – justice oriented – probably a 6.

This is Maggie – vibrant – spirited – animated – energetic - our little spark – maybe a 7.

And all of them are funny – so funny – in their own unique way.

And with all of these amazing qualities – there are tough ones too – just like every human.

And I’m going to tell you right now – there is no parenting formula in the world that would have worked on all 4 of these people.

And they each need different things from me – sometimes they need patience – or a tender heart from me – sometimes they need me to warn them or encourage them in a new direction – and sometimes I need to apologize and sometimes I need to forgive -but I have to

Know them and meet them where they are.

Trust in the work you did while they were in your home.

Trust that the mistakes you made didn’t ruin them - God is bigger than that.

And trust that God has them – he loves them more than you can even imagine.

And sometimes – parents we just need to get out of the way.

“We do not parent as those who have no hope. We have a God who watches over our children - if we'll just get out of the way and let Him do the restoring.”

― Allison Bottke, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

Love them right where they are - see how far they’ve come - see how far they can go but live and love them where they are right now.

And find joy and be thankful what God has done and continues to do in you – in your kids – in your family.

Fun fact: Finding a pic of my kids that they are all happy with is near impossible. Someone is gonna be mad at me for all the pictures I included in this message.

There are no other people in the world that I would rather hang out with than these 4 – oh and Jeff – the way God created them is such a joy to be a part of – they are the funniest people I know and they think critically and for themselves – and I have much to learn from them.

Step into your adult kids’ lives – know them and meet them where they are with the love of Christ. And find the joy in this chapter of your life.