I grew up in a Psalm 91 family. Meaning… we believed it and we banked on it…we took it literally and we put our trust in it. What is Psalm 91?
Psalm 91
1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
8 Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.
9 If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
15 When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
16 I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”
We claimed the promises of Psalm 91:
“he would protect me from disease”
“angels would look after me”
“no disease would come near my home”
And, at least for my childhood and teen years it sure seemed like I had no reason to doubt it. (1) I was relatively healthy (2) we experienced little loss (3) all was well… and then I turned 18.
In rapid order:
• My dad suddenly developed a mysterious illness – heart that turned out to be debilitating anxiety and depression.
• And then for the first time in my life disease came calling:
- 18: First disease with an exotic name … Scale of 1-10 a “2”
- 20: Second disease with an exotic name … Scale of 1-10 a “4” that spikes to “7”
- These illnesses while I attended a Psalm 91 bible school
- I prayed and was not healed. I have prayed and still I have not been healed.
• Then I entered into ministry … serving in Psalm 91 churches
- I began to be exposed to a litany of pain among the people I served
o And a scale of 1-10 “9s” and “10s”
o Images that will stick with me for the rest of my life:
ICU man dying of cancer
bedside with young mom and dad and whole family keening over the tragic loss of newborn
praying with a grandma for her 3 year old grandson dying from cancer
sitting with an abuse survivor as she recollected the most vile, stomach turning cruelty as a child
sitting with a man in the backseat of a car as his wife and daughter lie dead in the house brutely murdered.
Doug Gripp’s death
o And one I will never forget:
Melody ALS Lou Gherig’s disease “running” up the aisle.
• For 40 years I bore witness to and carried pain. Had to be explainer in chief… living with a Low grade fever of sadness.
• The past 4 years have been revisiting 1000 micro traumas and a few macro traumas
In time Psalm 91, though still a source of hope became riddled with inconsistencies and appeared to be at odds with reality.
Is God “my place of safety”?
Does God “protect from diseases”?
Are God’s promises “an armor and protection”?
Does God heal? And what am I to think when he doesn’t?
• This is week 3 – Hope month focus on pain.
• What do we do when in C.S. Lewis’s words…”you go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.”
• What do we do when God does not heal?
I am going to address that question but not in the form of a sermon…but in the form of a testimony…my testimony. Here is where I am.
This sermon is not a prophetic word or a teaching experience, but an autobiography. This is what I have come to believe about my own existence and pain and God’s healing. As such I hope that you will not take what I say as definitive answers to the problem of pain. These are not conclusions they are in process - real time decisions that are constantly being tested. I am not suggesting you believe these things. These are my thoughts and mine alone.
This is where I am…
First…I am hanging on to this…
God’s commitment to healing is so pervasive in the arc of the bible that to discount it is to disregard the entirety of the word of God.
a. Tim and Amy helped us understand that well.
b. Right up to the last word in Revelation God states his desire to heel
c. Jesus is the pinnacle of the entire storyline. His words are the summary, the logos, of the divine mind and will
i. John 10:10 – I have come that you might have a full, abundant life.
ii. I cling to that even as I struggle with skepticism and ongoing pain.
So I have to leave it as a tension – God’s healing is too dominant of a truth while at the same time maddeningly inconsistent. So I still pray for healing.
When God does not heal, I do not ask “why” I ask “what now?
• “There has to be a reason for this” is our go-to claim when unspeakable tragedy or never ending pain haunts us.
• We say…”something good will come from this” or “There will be some form of redemption” or “God is in control”
o We say these things so that we don’t lose out minds.
o We say these things to fight off the anger and doubt.
• And I’ve heard the most awful justifications of pain…
o Melody – “husband worked in a grocery store that sold liquor”
o A pastor – “someone will get saved…”
o Too many people – “I must have done something wrong to upset God” “I must have been outside the will of God”
I have found the question “why” to be largely unhelpful. And sometimes awful.
This is not to say that redemption or something that resembles “good” can’t come from pain but for me a better question is “what now?”
• What can I do in my pain to realize more trust in God, more change in myself, or a new way to look at the world.
• What now is my way of unclenching my fist!
o Angry why!
o Retreating why
o Open palmed what now?
Psalm 91 to me is not a promise as much as an inspiration.
d. It is poetry. It is a song. It speaks to me in metaphors and images not principles and doctrines.
It makes me think bigger – Brennan Manning, Ruthless trust
“The ubiquitous presence of pain and suffering - unwanted, apparently undeserved, and not amenable to explanation or remedy - poses an enormous obstacle to unfailing trust in the infinite goodness of God.” Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust
Thinking big. “Something is afoot in the universe. Someone filled with transcendent brightness, wisdom, ingenuity, power and goodness is about. In the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, somewhere deep down of voice whispers, all is well and all will be well”
Psalm 91 and what it represents is a wonder, a mystery, not unlike nature mountains, ocean, and deep deep love with another, art, music…the sources of mystery… they’re all mysteries.
Psalm 91 with its images and poetry helps me think big…it’s like looking to the hills to see where out help will come from. It makes me look at God through my pain.
And as such when I focus my attention on the wonder of Psalm 91 which is in essence focus on the my attention on the wonder which is God, my pain does not disappear, but it is accompanied by the wonder and mystery.
Pain is a usurper of anything joyous. It crowds out everything. It fills the room of my spirit and crushes hope. But Psalm 91…lifts up my eyes to the hills. Presents an alternative reality if but for a moment.
I am not my body.
I existed before my body. I will exist after my body.
I’ve come to believe that God resides within me right now. Not some unspecified place but in my Right brain. Where I am and God is. Right brain the place of attachment and love.
That part of me is absolutely untouchable by pain.
“While we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. I would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. Excerpts from 2 Corinthians 5
For much of my life I assumed that meant post mortem…in heaven. i now believe it mean right now.
Right now I can be “Absent from the body present with the Lord.”!
I am clothed with a tent that makes me groan. But I am also currently with God…literally in my place of attachment in my mind. It takes silence and solitude and meditation to get there. But it is possible.
So I go to the place where I exist along with God, the eternal place that is separate from the pain I feel.
That is my story.
My story will continue to include pain…maybe level 10 pain…this is what happens to bodies as they age. It is inevitable. As long as we are in community together you will see it with your own eyes. You will bear witness to my pain and I will bear witness to yours. But as the years countdown I will continue to look for God deep within me beyond the keratoconus and eosinophilic esophagitis and I will try not ask why but what now and I will try to think big as I read Psalm 91…
Psalm 91
1 AS I live in the shelter of the Most High
I will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
God alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
4 He will cover me with his feathers.
He will shelter me with his wings.
His faithful promises are my armor and protection.
12 God will hold me up with his hands
15 When I call on God, God will answer;
and be with me in trouble.
God will rescue and honor me.
16 and reward me with life
and give me my salvation.”