Parenting is ridiculously hard. Let’s start right there.
30 years ago we and I were young, alone, confused, and scared because Penny was months away from giving birth to our first child.
· hundreds of miles from parents, newly transplanted in N.E. and woefully ignorant of all things childrearing we had one resource – Dr. Spock’s Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care which we consulted often for everything from self-image to bowel movements.
30 years later we are no longer young, not alone, not scared but still confused at times.
· you never stop being a parent and though the issues are different…
Truism #1 – Parenting is ridiculously hard.
· Parenting is not for cowards, not for the faint of heart – it is a full contact sport that will cost you your life.
Second obvious truth:
Truism #2 - You desperately want the best for your child.
· True – yes?
· As hard as it is you spend an enormous amount of time fussing, worrying about and praying for your child to grow up healthy, successful, and happy.
It may be because of those two truths that you are sitting here today. you don’t want to mess it up, you don’t want them to be scarred for life, you don’t want to be the reason they struggle.
Well, there are no guarantees….you know that life happens, choices are made, situations occur that are byond your control but that said…
It is possible to raise healthy children who are rich in character and clear in their calling. But to do so, in this world, at this time in history, will require a new kind of parent.
Over the next 4 weeks I want to show you what we mean by a New Kind of Parent…
· I’m talking about a new identity…a new posture…a new way to see yourself
· I’m talking about re-inventing yourself regardless of how old your children have become.
It’s my hope and prayer that you’ll do what it takes to become a New Kind of Parent…
· admit the need to change, decide to trust God…and determine to do that hard work necessary
· If so, your kids have a shot at richness of character and clarity in their calling
But, before we dive in…I wish I could get inside your head…especially those of you who aren’t parents and hear what you are thinking.
Let’s be frank…some of you feel marginalized by this topic for a variety of reasons, but may I request that as you listen…
· perhaps you’ll hear something that will inspire you to support parents around you in your life
· if you’re young … prepare you for future parenting or even how to help your parents today
· maybe even allow some healing from difficult years with less than wonderful parents
· if nothing else perhaps you will better be able to pray for parents who are scared and frustrated
Because this is a tough time to raise kids…
Truism #1 – Parenting is ridiculously hard.
Truism #2 - You desperately want the best for your child.
Truism #3 – Right now is the toughest time in history to be a parent.
Let me give you a few reasons why I believe that:
This is a tough time to raise kids because we are all chronically anxious.
The United States is now the most anxious nation in the world. The National Institute of Mental Health
America has become so chronically anxious that our society has gone into emotional regression. Edwin Friedman, Failure of Nerve
Our culture is having a nervous breakdown Mary Pipher Ph.D
The cost of our perpetual anxiety on everyday life is mammoth…physical, financial, emotional, relational … and it has a huge impact on parenting.
Right when your kids need you the most many of you are at your weakest, your most stressed out.
This is a tough time to raise kids because we are all constantly distracted.
Our lives are being changed and reshaped by technology and the constant flow of data.
We live in a state of “continuous partial attention” We struggle with staying focused
· we are losing long term memory
· we are becoming a mile wide and an inch deep – our thoughts are “thinning”
· we are all jacked up with mini doses of adrenaline every time a new email or text msg rolls in.
This is a tough time to raise kids because we are relationally isolated.
In general we are experiencing a move away from consistent close relationships.
For the first two-thirds of the twentieth century a powerful tide bore Americans into ever deeper engagement in the life of their communities, but a few decades ago — silently, without warning — that tide reversed and we were overtaken by a treacherous rip current. Without noticing, we have been pulled apart from one another and from our communities over the last third of the century. Robert Putnam Bowling Alone
This is a tough time to raise kids because we are spiritually casual.
In general the average American has marginalized the one who is beyond us, the one who offers guidance and hope. We have effectively reframed God as the one who is distant and uninvolved in our lives.
“The predominate American religion is an intensely personalized, immature, soft, and intellectually lazy faith”
o 32% say they are non-religious
o > 50% seldom attend church
o only 44% have any confidence in organized religion
All this to say…This is a tough time to try to parent – perhaps the hardest in history
Truism #1 – Parenting is ridiculously hard
Truism #2 - You desperately want the best for your child.
Truism #3 – Right now is the toughest time in history to be a parent
And then there is this…
Truism #4 - Our children are struggling.
Kids are in crisis … here are the issues among our kids that are trending right now:
· emotional and behavioral problems are at an all time high
Recently UCLA researchers discovered that incoming freshmen students are entering college with the lowest overall mental and emotional health in history.
The average high school student today has the same level of anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the 1950s.
· Students with disabilities are skyrocketing (ADD, ADHD, learning disabilities, cancer, hearing impairment, physical impairment) At one local college the programs caring for these students has doubled.
· Addictive brokenness is trending
o Eating disorders, substance abuse, Pornography, Co-dependency
o Prescription drugs - 12-17 year olds abuse prescription drugs more than ecstasy, heroin, crack/cocaine and meth combined.
· Physical Harm is trending
o 71 percent of students that report bullying as an on-going problem.
o Suicide – CDC: 15.8 percent said they had seriously considered attempting suicide, up from 13.8 percent in 2009.
· Sexuality
o Sexting, Gender confusion, Sexual experimentation, Casual sex
· Spiritual confusion
o Millennials are the least religious generation on record.
· Chronic compulsive connectivity
o Technologic addictiveness, Always on, always available
· Time pressures:
o The frequency of structured school activities has more than doubled in last 10 years
All this is happening while our kids are going through all the normal childhood stuff like:
o Identity development, Friendship issues, Blended family issues, Puberty and Achievement pressure
Oh…and by the way…there is a new normal - Extended adolescence – many studies have identified adolescence now starting as early as 7 and as late as 30 … over 20 years!
Truism #1 – Parenting is ridiculously hard
Truism #2 - You desperately want the best for your child.
Truism #3 – Right now is the toughest time in history to be a parent
Truism #4 - Our children are struggling.
Let me add one more dark truism and then we’ll mix in some hope…
Truism #5 – There is some bad parenting going on out there.
For a variety of reasons some styles of parenting have emerged/ perhaps always been here that may be a reaction to the perilous times we are in:
Wrong Kind of Parents: Helicopter Parents
Micro-managing, clingy, hovering, hyper-present mom or dad.
Ask any teacher or coach about helicon[ter parents and you’ll get severe eye rolling:
· they call these parents “their Child’s little lawyer or agent”. One who sees no wrong in their little darling.
True: Some colleges are forming departments to specifically deal with parents who are hovering and getting involved. And …wait for it…so are some corporations.
· True story – Mother who drove to IU to sleep every night then went to work
· True story 2 – Mother whose daughter became a teacher and the mom for the first year went to help her in her classroom every day
Wrong Kind of Parents: Distracted parents
Overly busy and overwhelmed these parents resort to haphazard involvement, long stretches of disengagement punctuated with high energy moments
Outsource child rearing to coaches, teachers, youth group leaders
Wrong Kind of Parents: CEO parents
Type A parent drill sergeants who push for compliance with the plan they have for the child.
Does your child really want to be on that travelling team or is that your plan?
Wrong Kind of Parents: Idolater Parents
To these parents their child has become an Immortality Symbol
· the child confers glory on the parent
· the parents lives for the child’s success
· this is one of the reasons our children’s’ environment has become hyper competitive and performance based.
To these narcissist parents the child is a representative of their ego and exists for their comfort and joy
So, I’ve painted a pretty bleak picture, I know, but with all that said …I still have hope.
It is possible to raise healthy children who are rich in character and clear in their calling. But to do so, in this world, at this time in history, will require a new kind of parent.
So let me wrap this up today by suggesting the first essential characteristic of a New Kind of Parent:
A New Kind of Parent trusts God.
This is a non-negotiable. An adjustment is required…a reinvention…captured in this short piece of scripture.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
The adjustment required is replacing your own perceived wisdom with that from God.
· setting aside your scrambling, uncertain discernment in raising your child with a settled trust to the Lord of the Universe
· exchanging your personal confidence with surrender to God.
A New Kind of Parent trusts God.
In the weeks ahead we’ll return to this but for now let me give you some practical ways to go about it:
· start to pray – even if it is a breath prayer – God help me today.
· stop dabbling in religion and return to the God you’ve known before.
· you might even want to write this down and put it in conspicuous places…
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
It is possible to raise healthy children who are rich in character and clear in their calling. But to do so, in this world, at this time in history, will require a new kind of parent.
Next week we go deeper…we continue the re-invention…and in the mean time we wait on God.