This is where it all started – well not exactly – we dated for 4 years before this but this is where the marriage all started – almost 31 years ago.
We were young and naïve and idealistic and probably a little dumb and unprepared and young…
Jeff’s the oldest of 5 and grew up with a house full of siblings – I’m the youngest of 4 – the baby – and I’m 10 years after my sister -so I grew up essentially as an only child – the only one living at home – so those 2 people – 2 worlds came together.
My mom’s response at the basketball game
She knew what I needed. I was a lot – and a lot to handle.
So, we got married and then we were like – now what? How do we do this?
Couples BS on principles of a biblical marriage – we left and thought what are we doing here – the principles were good – but we knew how we applied them would look different than any other couple – every person is different – every couple is different – I think we were on to something.
At the same time – our world was changing – our culture was changing – society was changing – more women were working – the patriarchal system was starting to fracture – women were beginning to have more of a voice – more power and all of this was informing how Jeff and I would navigate our marriage – or as we looked at it - our partnership – because ideally that’s what we wanted it to be – hoped it would be…
Pic of us in Mexico
And here we are now – 31 years later – and what those kids hoped their marriage would be - has taken many many twists and turns over the years – we’ve had 4 children – lost 3 of our parents – lived in 2 apartments and 3 different houses – dealt with heartbreak and celebration and stress and joy and everything in between.
We are very different people now than we were when we started this journey and as we’ve changed, and I hope grown we’ve had to try to understand that different version of each other and that has been really hard.
But we are committed and loyal – both of us – deeply – so we’ve continued to pursue understanding (most of the time - sometimes not)
But just staying in a marriage doesn’t make a marriage.
Hard work, determination, understanding, a sense of humor and self-sacrificing love – that makes a marriage.
And although it is hard to talk about marriage - husbands and wives without it being a joint discussion – my focus today in this series “All in the Family” - is going to be on the wives – and how we approach that title, role in our lives.
Because in all honesty, there is nothing we can do about them anyway – no matter how hard we try we do not have the power to change someone else – so we might want to take a look in the mirror and figure out what we can do about the person staring back at us.
2 things before we dig into the scripture.
One – although this is directed toward wives I think if you are open and willing to listen, I think the spirit has something to say to everyone this morning.
And two – I realize that the topic of wives, marriage is hard for many of you – divorce, single and wanting/waiting, really bad marriages, living with men that are not holding up their end of the bargain in any way – I hate that this topic is painful for you but I am praying God will speak to you in deep and profound ways this morning
So, with those caveats in mind – let’s pray.
We’re going to spend our time together looking at Colossians 3 – starting in verse 1.
Page ___________
Welcome to those online
Colossians, along with Ephesians, Philippians and Philemon, is one of 4 short letters Paul wrote from prison – he was thought to be in prison in Ephesus – about 100 miles from Colossae – he has heard good things about this church plant from his friend Epaphras – about the fruit this church is producing – because as Paul states the in the first verses of the book of Colossians he has heard about their love in the spirit – love in action. In the verses we’re looking at in chapter 3 Paul is calling them to a higher way of living – a harder way of living. Right before these verses, at the end of chapter 2, Paul is telling them that simply following a bunch of laws/rules – don’t eat this, don’t touch that – might be easier but in the murky gray world they were living in and we are living in – it’s always easier to just be told what to do and what not to do – it’s clean and clear – but it doesn’t get to the heart of what you are doing or why you are doing it – he is calling them to something better – a way of living in Jesus that you don’t need rules because you wouldn’t even consider doing the things the rules are keeping you from doing. It’s a harder, longer road – a road where you die to self and are raised again into God’s new world – his new creation.
With that in mind – let’s look at chapter 3 starting in verse 1.
Living the New Life
3 Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. 2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. 3 For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 And when Christ, who is your[a] life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.
You don’t need a bunch of rules to live by – you need to realize that when you surrendered your life to Jesus – you died to this life – to the things of this world and your life is now in Christ – your life is Christ – we are hidden in Christ until the day when heaven and earth join together in new creation and we are seen as the glorious renewed human beings we truly are. In the meantime, we focus on the heavenly things – we renew our minds with the teachings of Jesus – with our calling here and now – to help return things to the way they were meant to be – to Eden.
We are new creations.
We are controlled by the spirit.
Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. Romans 8:5
We are image bearers of God.
You see
Being the kind of wife I need to be is really just being the kind of woman I need to be.
What does it look like to be that wife – that woman – that image bearer?
Paul then goes on to list – some of the old ways that we shouldn’t – that we can’t go back to – if our identity is in Christ – verse 5.
5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. 6 Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. 8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. 9 Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds.
Paul really has 2 categories here: sex and speech – both integral facets of human life – and both equal in their potential use for good or evil – it’s easy to make the first list in this chapter the worst but list number 2 can cause just as much damage.
26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. James 1:26
And then greed is right there in the middle – wanting more of something you shouldn’t have or wanting someone else’s portion – more, more, more – you are worshipping something other than God.
And Paul is saying you have died to this old life – so get rid of these old ways of living.
Nekrosate – to make dead.
The verb nekrosate, meaning literally ‘to make dead,’ is very strong. It suggests that we are not simply to suppress or control evil acts and attitudes. We are to wipe them out, completely exterminate the old way of life.”
And he lists these – calls them by name – you can’t drift into something and say you didn’t know if you’ve already named it.
And this is more than just you as an individual – all of these sins – these old ways of living – are destructive.
To yourself
To others.
To the wider community.
To the family. Your rage is hurting your kids. Your lust is destroying your spouse. Your lies about someone are killing your community.
You have stripped off that nature –
You are a new creation.
You are an image bearer of God.
Verse 10
10 Put on your new nature and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. 11 In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile,[c] circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized,[d] slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.
In the NIV it says
Clothe yourself.
This image would have made sense to Paul – in the early church – a candidate for baptism would literally take off their old garments and be given new ones – white – to signify the new life they were entering – a life hidden in Christ –
Their life is Christ.
(changing after the gym)
Nothing feels better than putting on the new clothes of your Creator and becoming like Him.
And then he speaks to the unity that Jesus brings into our communities or families – old divisions are gone (social, cultural,) – relationship with Jesus is available to everyone – we are one in him – Jesus is active in everyone and everything.
Verse 12
12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body, you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
16 Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. 17 And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.
We are his people – we are his image bearers – how do we interact with others – how we go about our relationships – our marriage - represents who we are in Christ.
We are to reflect God’s character and likeness in all of our relationships.
What Paul is instructing us to put on is all relational?
Tenderhearted mercy – sensitivity to others.
The way we talk to them – our nonverbal communication.
Kindness – wanting what’s best for someone else.
As much as they do
Humility
We can say is the parent of
Meekness – how humility will affect my actions towards others.
I will not manipulate or dominate or coerce for my own end – even if I have the power and ability.
Longsuffering – how humility will affect my reaction towards others.
I will not be impatient, short, resentful towards the sins of others.
Forgiveness – not continuing to punish for the way they’ve wronged you.
This is a really hard one. Especially in a marriage. And forgiving as the Lord forgave and continues to forgive us – seems near impossible – but that’s what is expected of us as image bearers – it doesn’t mean forgetting – I could do a whole message on just this – but if you haven’t read the book.
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeust
Here are a couple of quotes that might help:
“Forgiveness releases to the Lord your need for them to be punished or corrected, giving it to the only One who can do this with right measures of justice and mercy.” Lysa TerKeurst
and
“I forgive this person for how their actions back then are still impacting me now. And whatever my feelings don’t yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover.” Lysa TerKeurst
Then cloak over all of these things with love –
Love in action.
Love then covers over and infuses all of these other areas – kindness, mercy, forgiveness, humility.
You’re all dressed – shirt, pants, belt, sweater – but you’re still cold – then you put on that big old coat of love and the outfit is complete and you’re warm – the right temperature.
One of the last things Jesus says to his disciples is about love in John 13 he tells them to love others as He has loved them and then says – John 13:35
Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.
If you are a disciple of Jesus – you love like Jesus did.
And with that love – your hearts are at peace – you make decisions based on peace – and that doesn’t mean no conflict – it means working thru the conflict in truth and love.
And with that love you are thankful - grateful
What home do you want to be a part of
What family do you want to create?
Verses 5-11 or verses 12-15
The latter is going to be way harder – and it takes a lot more strength and resilience, but it will lead you to a home where.
The message of Christ fills your lives.
You’re teaching and counseling each other with His wisdom.
You’re singing with thankful hearts.
We are image bearers of God.
That is the home – the family I want to create. That is the marriage I want to contribute to.
Paul sets all of this up – how we are to live in our new clothes – in our new creation and then he turns a corner in verse 18.
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.
He goes into a section where he is giving household instructions – he goes on to talk to husbands, children etc. But this first line is to wives.
Again, we have to look at the culture of this time – women because of their place in society, their lack of education, etc. – were incredibly vulnerable – women were basically property – it was clear and obvious in this culture they would have to – need to submit.
But in Ephesians 5:21- talking to both husbands and wives – it says
21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Mutual submission – self-giving love – putting the other first – this is how it should work – for both the husband and the wife.
Someone once told me submission was getting out of the way of the work of the Holy Spirit.
Submission to the Spirit first.
And letting them guide you in what to say and what not to say and what to do and what not to do.
My grandma was a perfect example of all of this – she was strong – she had a voice – but the fruits of the spirit were so evident in her life – tenderness, mercy, love – her voice was heard because of the fruit that was displayed…she was led by the spirit.
You have a voice. In what way do you want to use it?
So, ladies, this is our call – not just as wives but as women – as women of God – as the image bearers that He calls us to be.
How do we do this?
By the transformation of the Holy Spirit.
Understanding that we are – our lives are a reflection of God to our husbands, our families, our communities, our world.
Looking to the life of Jesus as our example – our instruction book – our manual – our guide for how to reflect that image.
And allowing the Holy Spirit – who has taken up residence in our soul to guide us in our words and our actions.
Being the kind of wife I need to be is really just being the kind of woman I need to be.
And that absolutely cannot happen outside of my complete and utter dependence and connection and reliance on the Lord.
(Sabbatical story – book, counseling, time, journal)
Remain in Him
I realized I was giving Him time to work on me and He was.
John 15:2
He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.
Remain in Him.
This is how it started.
Pic of young us by the car
This is how it’s going.
Pic of us in the restaurant with lights hanging above us
And all I can bring into it is me – and my transformed and transforming self - and a lot of transformation has taken place in that very young girl in the first pic – and there is a lot more transformation to come for the woman in the 2nd pic
There is nothing I can do about the other – I can’t change anyone else – including my husband – I’ve tried. A lot of husbands are not holding up their end of the bargain – I realize that – and I’m not sure where you are with that in your marriage – if you men are here and you missed the message Barry preached on husbands – please go back and watch it with your wife – it is unfair for you to hear this message and miss the other one – but if you are a woman dealing with a man that is not practicing mutual submission – that is not loving you as Christ loved the church – or that is actually doing the opposite – I know that is really hard – and there are instances where it is beyond what you should be experiencing – men that use the submission angle to abuse in many ways – that is not a marriage that is a dictatorship and unacceptable
But in many marriages where it has not risen to that level - there is nothing you can do to change them – pray – seek counseling – we are here for you – Laurie H
But no matter what I am facing – no matter how any of my relationships are going – marriage included – in my pain – in my joy – in my ups and downs Jesus is there – showing me the way
And with the Holy Spirit’s help and guidance – I sure as heck can do a lot with the woman I see in the mirror every morning.
I am an image bearer of God.
And that image needs to show up in my community, in my family and in all of my relationships – first and foremost my marriage.
Song
Then prayer and I can close the service.