Today we begin a new series called “All in the Family.” Each week we’re going to look at what Scripture has to say to different demographics in this church family of ours: Husbands, wives, singles, children, parents, and elders.
But before we dive in, we’re going to zoom out and take a second to talk about this big church family of ours.
Specifically, we’re going to talk about volunteering at Grace.
To do that, I’m going to re-introduce a concept of what the healthiest and strongest version of Grace Church looks like. It’s this: Attend one, serve one.
This is just a very simple way to describe what “normal” can and should look like here. Every one of us attending one service on Sunday, and volunteering somewhere at Grace once a week.
For some of us this may seem rather obvious. Some of you have been faithfully volunteering for years. You attend every week.
But let’s be honest. Ever since Covid, a lot of us have gotten out of the habit of regular church attendance. And many of us who were once more involved have kind of drifted to the sidelines. Some have never even really started.
And as a result, some of our ministries are squeaking by.
We’re having to turn families away from LIFT, our disability ministry. We’re having to turn families away from our Care Center food pantry. Our Grace Kids volunteers are running around with like 15 toddlers in their arms.
But look around. Can you imagine if everyone here committed to serving this community once a week?
Can you imagine every child growing up at Grace with multiple consistent, loving adults building into them?
Can you imagine not turning away a single family who comes to this community looking for help?
Can you imagine the warmth and welcome we could create if we had greeters and ushers and cafe volunteers just flooding the lobby and sanctuary? Wouldn’t you want to bring your unchurched neighbor into that environment?
These are not impossible dreams. All of this can happen and more if this church family commits together to attend one, serve one. That’s our challenge to you.
Attend service every week so that this family can be together and give at least a little bit of your time as a volunteer so that this family can grow.
Now, I want to introduce you to one volunteer who has demonstrated this so well.
If you come in the north entrance for the 11:00 service, you have been warmly greeted by Ray. Ray creates such an incredible, welcoming atmosphere as a greeter. He sets the tone for the kindness and genuine joy we want people to experience here.
• What is your favorite part about volunteering on our hospitality team?
• Why do you serve so faithfully in this way?
• What would you want the people of Grace to know about serving?
Share Hospitality volunteer needs. Thank Ray.
Attend one, serve one.
gracechurch.us/volunteer
If you want to know more, you can go to gracechurch.us/volunteer to see all kinds of ways to get involved.
Finally, one thing you’ll see during this series is some of our Core Team members wearing lanyards that say, “Ask me why I serve.” If you are even a little bit interested in taking us up on this challenge, go speak to one of them to learn more.
We are a big church family and we grow best when we serve each other.
Attend one, serve one. What do you say?
INTRO
Ok. Let’s dive in to our series. Today we’re talking about husbands.
And I think this is an important group to start with. Because in the culture we live in today I believe there are some major trends keeping husbands from thriving in their marriages.
On one hand we have this popular portrayal of husbands as lousy, good-for-nothing children. It’s a trope of every sitcom. It’s all over TikTok. Husbands are treated like immature, selfish dopes. Which doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in men.
On the other hand, we do have a lot of guys these days who are not exactly proving these tropes wrong. Husbands who barely lift a finger around the house, who are addicted to beer and video games (or their jobs!), who aren’t exactly crushing it on the marriage front.
Add into this mess all the terrible advice from influencers and authors and even pastors who see the problem as a loss of masculinity and think the solution is for men to turn back into aggressive, chest-thumping alpha males and for wives to go back to the kitchen.
We’re left with confused, disillusioned husbands who feel shamed on social media, emasculated by macho influencers, and resigned to mindless entertainment or workaholism to escape from the hard work of marriage.
It’s a mess. And it’s a big problem. Not just because so many marriages are spiraling the drain, but because those of us who follow Christ are called to show the world that there is another way to live.
Our marriages should be examples to our neighbors of what the transformation of Jesus can do. The husbands of Grace should be demonstrating to the world what’s possible.
So what is the solution? How can the husbands of Grace Church look more like Christ in our marriages and reverse the trends we’re seeing?
Well, why don’t we open up the Scriptures and find out?
PAUL’S HOUSEHOLD CODE
Our passage for today is Ephesians 5:21, Page ______
A bit of background before we dive in. In Ancient Greece and Rome, philosophers spent a lot of time talking and debating about the ideal society. What’s the best way to live? How should people behave?
One of the ways they did this was through something called “household codes,” breaking down the different roles in a family and how each person should behave.
“Fathers should have dignity… Wives should be pure… children should be virtuous… servants should be hardworking…”
Well, in Ephesians 5 Paul is doing the same thing for people living in Asia Minor (modern day Turkey).
But here’s the thing that’s important to know about this household code: the things Paul writes about here were wildly countercultural.
Parents, have compassion on your children? Masters, respect your slaves? What?!? Respect is supposed to go the other way around.
This is not how household codes normally go. Paul is totally upending his readers’ expectations.
Not because he’s trying to be clever, but because these kinds of radical, Christlike relationships - these seemingly shocking and upside down behaviors - should be normal in the kingdom of God.
It was wild stuff back then. And this passage about marriage is no exception.
Ephesians 5:21-33
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.
As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Now, right out of the gate, I have to acknowledge something. This passage, specifically verse 22, has caused a lot of pain in the modern church.
“Wives, submit to your husbands.” This verse, which is usually taken completely out of its surrounding context, has been used as a license for abuse, for neglect, even for violence.
Especially with all of the chest-thumping, hyper-masculine, alpha male garbage that’s out there today.
It breaks my heart (and it would break Paul’s heart) to know that these words have caused women to not seek help when they’re being abused, to blame themselves for their husbands’ sin, or to suppress their own God-given skills and gifts and callings.
We do damage to the text when we take it out of context and don’t acknowledge the world behind it.
MUTUAL SUBMISSION
So let’s talk about the world behind the text and see if we can get a better understanding of what Paul was actually saying.
First, it’s important to remember that the ancient world was a highly patriarchal society where women were treated as little better than property and men dominated their households.
The philosopher Aristotle and the Jewish historian Josephus both taught that women were naturally inferior in character to men.
Some ancient marriages required complete obedience of the wife, to the point of needing permission to even visit their own family. Some wives weren’t allowed to be seen by other men.
Men could divorce their wives for just about any reason, leaving the woman with nothing.
So if that was the kind of culture Paul was writing into, then what is he actually saying here?
Well, first look at verse 21. This is the key to the entire passage. He says to everyone reading this letter, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
What he’s describing is what he talks about all the time in his letters. Self-giving love. Putting yourself below another person to lift them up. It’s the bedrock of all Christian relationships and it’s the foundation of this whole household code.
Submit to one another.
Now, first he applies this to wives. Verse 22 doesn’t even have a verb in it in the Greek. It’s just a continuation of that thought. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ… wives, to your husbands.” And this is important to Paul.
Because remember, in the ancient world men were the ones who received education, men provided for their families. Men were the protectors. Women, on the other hand, were incredibly vulnerable.
Unless she was very wealthy, an isolated woman was at the mercy of a hostile world.
So I believe Paul is saying, in his very specific cultural moment, “wives, submit to your husbands. Christ saves the church. Your husband will protect you. It’s his job. Don’t use your newfound freedom in Jesus to tear into two what was meant to be one.”
He gets that out of the way. “Wives, obviously, submit to your husbands. It’s 62 AD. You can’t go it alone… Now husbands? We need to talk.” The entire rest of the passage is focused on them.
Look at verse 25. The same foundational idea is there. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ…”
“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.” And how did he love the Church? “He gave up his life for her.” Ah yes, loving your wife means death. Self-sacrifice. Think about that.
In ancient Asia Minor: Husbands - the unquestioned masters of the family - the kings of their castle - must give up their very lives in their love for their spouse. Mutual submission in a highly patriarchal society meant a deep and profound dying to self for a husband.
For wives in ancient Ephesus, mutual submission meant not rocking the boat. For husbands, this meant a complete renunciation of power.
Verse 28. “Husbands, you know how you feed and build and protect and care for your body? Yeah, you need to treat your wife the same way. Your focus should be on helping her thrive.”
Believe me when I say this would have left Paul’s readers flabbergasted. This is no ordinary household code.
A Christlike husband is a self-crucified husband. Giving up his life for his wife as Christ gave his life for the Church.
You can see why it’s crazy we make “wives, submit to your husbands” the big idea of this passage. That was the default for the ancient world. What Paul says to husbands, though, should be sending shockwaves through our imagination.
The self-crucified husband. It’s a provocative concept even now.
GETTING PRACTICAL
So, let’s talk about husbands today.
Our culture is very different. Women are educated now and empowered. They are no longer dependent on men to protect and provide. And in my opinion, this is all good stuff.
But where does this leave the men in a marriage? What does a self-crucified husband look like in 2024 America?
Does it mean we just lie down like a doormat and let our wives trample all over us?
Does it mean we never do any of the things we like anymore and just spend all our free time cooking and cleaning?
Does it mean we give up any sense of leadership or decision making we might have in our marriage?
No. What it looks like is (verse 23), “loving our wives like Christ loved the Church.” And how did he do that? He put us first.
Jesus had compassion on the people in front of him. He was concerned about their needs. His primary focus was not his own health or desires or wellbeing.
It doesn’t mean that he never ate or slept or rested, but he put others first. He used his strength to lift them up. And that, I believe, is what we are called to do in our marriage as husbands. To die to ourselves and put our wives first.
Is this easy? No. But is it worth it? I believe it is.
While those alpha-male voices out there are telling men to get back on the throne, I think we are being invited to go the other direction. To discover the true strength and power that comes through self-sacrifice. Through putting others first.
Starting with our wives.
The healthiest marriages begin when husbands take a posture of servant-hearted sacrifice.
Let me give you a few practical examples of what this could look like.
First, a self-crucified husband learns how to Share the mental load. This is an area I’m working on in my marriage.
Here’s what I mean by that. Many husbands have a tendency of allowing our wives to shoulder the entire mental load of everything except for our jobs, our hobbies, and maybe a few other things like finances and mowing the lawn.
Everything else about our lives we allow her to own. She’s the one thinking about dishes and laundry and what we’re having for dinner. She keeps track of the kids’ doctors’ appointments and school registration and holding the mail for vacation.
It’s different in every marriage, but you get what I’m saying. She is carrying the mental load of so much in your family.
If you want to be a servant to your wife - to “love your wife as you love your own body,” as Paul says in verse 28, then learn how to be proactive in sharing the mental load.
Find something - like dishes, like travel plans, like the kids’ doctors’ appointments - that you could own so that she doesn’t have to. When you know people are coming over, maybe you vacuum the floor without being asked.
Start there. Lift up your wife by sharing the mental load.
Another thing a self-crucified husband can do is to Pursue your wife in the things she cares about.
In other words, you can put your wife first by spending your time, your energy, and even your money in bringing her delight.
What does your wife like? Food, gifts, activities, people, shows, etc. What is she into? What are her love languages? Who are her friends?
If you’re drawing a blank and the best you can come up with is, “Soup. I think she likes soup.” Well, then you know your next step. Pursue her and find out!
Then, once you know what she likes, do those things! Get her those things! Support her in those things!
You don’t need an occasion. If you’re trying to lift her up, to love her as Christ loves the Church, then put some effort into making her feel loved and seen.
I think you’ll be shocked at how much joy this brings into your marriage.
Verse 28. “A man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.” You want to be happy at home? Start by bringing joy to her.
Finally, a self-crucified husband chooses to Make the first move.
One way I like to describe the “mutual submission” of verse 21 is that marriage is a “race to the bottom.” As Paul says in Romans, we’re trying to:
Romans 12:10 (NRSV)
Love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor.
Who can be the most selfless in your marriage? Who can give more of themselves for the sake of the other? It’s a race to the bottom and husbands? You should try to win.
Can you imagine for a moment if both spouses had this mentality? Each setting themselves aside and having their needs met by the other? Imagine the love that would grow. Imagine the joy… the connection.
As each spouse follows the example of Christ and becomes a servant to the other.
Now, I realize that is easier said than done, especially when a marriage has fallen on hard times. When there’s conflict between you. When you’re not communicating well.
So for husbands it may be tempting to say, “Sure, I’ll serve her… I’ll submit myself. The moment she shows me she’s ready to do the same.”
I get it. But let’s remember the world behind the text of Ephesians 5: a highly patriarchal culture where Paul’s words to husbands called for a radical renunciation of their power.
In a race to the bottom, somebody has to take the first step. Husbands, I think it should be you.
There’s no guarantee that a posture of self-giving love will heal your marriage. But if we want to show the world that there is another way to live, making sacrifices for your wife is a pretty amazing way to do it.
Make the first move. Because marriage is a race to the bottom. And I think you should run to win.
PRAYER FOR HUSBANDS
Now, this whole message was to husbands. What can the rest of us do? Well, we can offer encouragement, we can call it out when we see husbands doing this well, and we can pray.
So why don’t we do that right now?